Reflections

Sometimes you’re ahead,
Sometimes you’re behind.
The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. – Baz Luhrmann

Time and again this year, I could feel the great weight bearing down on me. The great tide flinging
itself again and again against me, the eternal wheel rolling to crush me in its spokes.
And me, one single solitary human being bearing up under the weight. Adrift in the middle of chaos.
Treading water, straddling air...

You see, I'm a realist. Realism turned into pessimism and it almost destroyed me this year. I am a firm believer that whatever you put it is what you get out. Let's just say I tend to rely too much on myself and blame me for everything that happens in my life. 2014. This year has definitely has its highs and lows. 2014 was a year full of all sorts: the good, the bad, and the abso-f**king-lutely ugly.

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The beginning.
This year started on a neutral note for me. I wasn't happy,  but I wasn't sad either. Just neutral . About everything.  Life, school,  friends , family. Everything. The year started on the usual note of new resolutions ( which I can't even remember now )renewed hope and me basically trying to have a positive outlook on life. Lies. This year tested my patience. Made it almost impossible to look forward to the next day.
In January,  I was at that point of my life where whatever I did would have an impact on the rest of my life.  Forever. There were exams to be written, schools to apply to, so much stuff to do and it looked overwhelming. School began and preparation for my exams began in earnest. Looking back now, I just laugh.  I took it so much to heart, it was do or die for me. I set my goals  for each subject, cried over math because I just didn't know what I was doing, studied, studied and studied. It was like my whole life depended on these exams. I think this is when I started to realise that I didn't know who I really was or what I really wanted. Depression was threatening to set in. There was a time when I did not talk to my parents for two weeks because I was 'sad'. I started to shut my friends out too.  Thank God for friends like family who actually didn't give up on me. (I still don't know what I have done to deserve you guys) I was terrible. It was just too too overwhelming.  Barakat that always seemed so put together, knew what she wanted, where she was going , her life goals , how she was going to get them, had plans for each year of her life, got good grades, was always laughing, actually didn't know who she was deep down inside her. It was bad. Issues of self acceptance and self worth came up. I started second guessing. Started to put myself down,  started to think I wasn't worth any of the good things that happened to me.  I was crumbling on the inside, but I still managed to put on a good show for the world.  Dark days. There were times I literally cried myself to sleep. My relationship with God was suffering too. I was fighting with the people that mattered constantly. I became a professional eccedentiast. Fake it till you make it was my mantra. Exams came, and went. I felt like a huge load had been taken off of me.  I wrote jamb and passed. ( I still didn't know where I would be in September at this point) I was sha doing everything with faith. “Tout le monde est sage apres coupe” that is Hindsight is 20/20. Given the gift of hindsight, I’d no sooner change a whole bunch of my choices. But then again, Questa e la vita,viviamo e impariamo. Such is life, we live and we learn.
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The middle.
All too soon, it was July and it came with the stress of graduation, prom, and this was ramadan too.  Also, neco bleh.  I was also facing the reality of leaving a school I had been in for six years and friends that I lived through. Another anxiety crisis. I worried so much this year, honestly and tended to think too much about everything.  Prom came,  it was beautiful.  Graduation too, my hard work paid off. Got several awards. So many tears and goodbyes.  Then it was time to face the future. Leaving my friends was hard. One of the hardest things I've done. If you know me, you will know I don't show a lot of emotions,  except to those who matter, then I tend to show too much emotion.  On the outside I look tough. Very tough,  but I'm actually a softie.

Summer came and I did this thing where I started to look at people my age and what they had achieved, the  compare myself and constantly beat myself down. I have no idea why. It's just that, I have this morbid fear of failure. My greatest fear is not amounting to anything in life. And this reduced my self worth. I would rant and rant.I was becoming unbearable. I don't know how my friends handled me tbh. I had this desire to be depressed.  I don't know why. Then I got my wish. I wouldn't go out, I'll sit at home doing nothing.  My constant motto was 'take me as I am' sigh. Whenever I thought I had a little talent or potential,  I will come across someone  who was better, had achieved more. Then results came. The highlight of my year. I didn't meet my goal of straight As but I was almost there. All distinctions, no credit. Including math! GOD IS AMAZING. It was something. Sparked to a new interest for life in me. I started this blog. Became more positive.  Some things could not be fixed.  But it was a start.
I had a new view of life. I mean,  it was a fresh start,  new school,  new everything. 
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Curtain almost drawn.
Fast forward to September.  I couldn't start school early because of ebola. It sha started in the end.  My positivity turned into very high expectations,  and you know what expectations do? They get you disappointed.  I had to pick my A level subjects and the problem of not knowing what I wanted out of life reared its head again. I sha picked three subjects ( I'm not sure what I  want to be yet, but I know it's not a lawyer) I had difficulty in the beginning,  so much stress, getting used to the system and all. It's all good now. I love my new classmates. New friends have been made and all. Oh and I renewed my relationship with God.  I been chilling ever since.  I even started to wear hijab regularly. I also found out that God actually answers prayers.  I’ve been able to stand firm in my resolve to neither drink nor smoke. I’m weaker in that by opening myself to people I’ve gotten hurt but that’s okay, I’ve found some amazing people along the way too so I can’t be sad. They say Hearts are beautiful with more scars afterall.
I learnt also that Life is fragile. I’ve seen life brought to this world with fanfare and ripped away unceremoniously leaving pain and shattered hope in its wake. But life is also resilient.
“We can’t always hope for sunshine, we must see the beauty in rain”.   It's really hard and all,  but it feels good. Also, I became a year older on the 3rd. I even got a new cousin.
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Co stars.
By and by, this year is grinding to a halt. I'm thankful.  I was not sick at all. Nobody close to me has died. I have people who love me. I have people I love. I passed my exams. I'm in school already. I have nice books to read. I have friends. Real ones. Mariam, thank you for always listening to my rants and being my support system generally. Cynthia, even though we act like we hate each other,  you're actually one of the treasures in my life.  Helen and Evelyn,  distance and school stress has messed stuff up, but thank you for still being good friends. Deji. You're awesome.  You're always there.  Literally ALWAYS.  You encourage me to constantly be more than I can be. Thank you so much. Tom tom. Though you constantly insult me,  you're my real nigga.  Tife, you make my holidays wonderful all the time. Doyin! I enjoy listening to your funny problems. Makes me remember I'm not the only one. Yuyu, thanks for everything. azeez, you're still a goat. Tolu! We don't constantly talk.  But you're one of the people I'm grateful that I know. Dami, thanks for all the books. Dami G. I thought I lost you, then I found you again. Love you baby girl. Dolapo. Big sister and confidante, finest. Mayen that wont even message me. All the new people I just met have been awesome so far, I hope to make new memories with you.  Temilade and her quirks, ike and her shoki. The constant laughter and gist. Taofeeq. Words are too little for you.  You're everything. Infinity and all.  Sisters and parents. Here is me declaring my love. If your name is not here, it doesn't mean you're not important.

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Epilogue.
This year has been full of lessons. I have learnt so much about life and everything else.  This year, I realized that raks cannot make everything go the way she wants it to go. She can’t plan
everything, then sulk and misbehave when things don’t go her way. She can be dependent and
independent at the same time without compromising her stand. And that PRIDE GOES BEFORE A
FRIGGING RIDICULOUS FALL. God does things on his own terms. met amazing people and I have grown.  That is what I'm most proud of ,my growth. Next year is a whole new page. I going to take charge of my life,  be happier.  Ace my CIE exams. Stop being so afraid to take risks. Dare to dream and be fearlessly me. Start making my own money.  Live for a cause. Stop trying to smother all the love in me, the world needs it. Maybe remove some of the layers of titanium on my heart. Make beautiful memories. Write a book. Save money.  Write in my journal everyday.  Improve my relationship with God. Start to care a little about my appearance, ( might even start wearing make up) exercise (LOL). Go out more. Live life more. And work towards getting my Nobel prize. I'm not even joking. This girl is going to be on fire.  And yes, I'm going to start acting my age more , not twice my age, who knows,  maybe even do some stupid things. That's the stuff memories are made of.

Lessons learnt in 2014.
● It does not hurt to love.
● You can't ever be perfect,  it's okay to make mistakes.  That's why I'm young.
● There is more to life than what I think.
●  Being hurt is not the end of the world. Don't be so afraid.
● Be you. Trust those who love you.  Talk to them always.
● No regrets.
● Mistakes don't kill. Don't be so afraid of them. One mistake never ruined anybody. ( okay maybe that's wrong, but you get my drift)
●God has my back.

To round off this post, this is one of my favourite poems ever. Almost my best.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
(Invictus- William Ernest Henly)
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PS. Isn't it funny how ends are always beginnings? I love the closure that the end of a year brings.  This was the year that broke itself across my back.
The year that broke.
Not me .